Wedding Coordinator

People’s fingers swell when they get nervous. So, when exchanging rings, tell couples to only slide the ring up to the first knuckle and let the other person push it up the rest of the way. Otherwise you run the risk of the groom breaking his bride’s finger in the middle of the ceremony.

Waitress

When you realize you have forgotten to submit an order to the kitchen, go to the table and mournfully say, “Did you just hear that crash?” Nine times out of 10, the customers not only will say “yes,” but actually will believe they just heard a noise of some sort. You can then sigh sadly, and say, “Unfortunately, that was the chef dropping your food,” and then scurry back to the kitchen to hand in the neglected order.

Technical Support

When helping someone fix their computer over the phone, and you want them to see if all the cables are plugged in correctly, don’t ask, “Have you checked to see if the cable is plugged in?” because the customer will always say, “Of course I did, do you think I’m a moron?” Instead say, “Remove the cable, blow the dust out of the connector, and plug it back in.” The customer will most likely reply, “Hey, it’s working now—I guess that dust really builds up in there!”

Street Performer

In street performance, it’s possible to make money without really knowing how to play your instrument. You can pick up a cheap accordion at a thrift store and simply make stuff up on the street corner. Most people usually won’t stick around and listen for long if you are on a sidewalk where there’s little room to stand, and you can play the same thing over and over and still make money.

Software Tester

Because developers don’t expect testers to read through their code, doing so is a quick and easy way to find possible bugs. Look for comments like “// HACK” or “// fix this crap later.”

Proofreader

If you’re reading too fast, your brain can “correct” typos, preventing you from catching them. That’s why it’s sometimes a good idea to read a page upside-down. It forces you to pay closer attention to individual words out of context, and you can’t race through pages too fast.

Piano Salesman

If you see a potential customer eyeing a piano, estimate their age and calculate what year it was when they were 18 years old. Play a big hit from that year on the piano they’re looking at. With a lot of preparation and a little luck, you might play the exact song they were listening to when they lost their virginity, got married, or drove their first car. The emotional resonance will overcome sales resistance and even open their wallets to a more expensive piano.

Photographer

When taking family portraits that include a dog, don’t use the dog’s name or say “doggie, doggie” to get its attention, because it might trot over to you. Instead, call out “kitty, kitty, kitty.” The dog will perk up and look around for a cat, and you can get a great shot if you time it right.

Paramedic

When paramedics arrive at a car crash or similar accident, they very, very rarely announce any casualties at the scene—almost all deceased will be pronounced “dead on arrival” at the hospital. This is because it involves about 10 times more paperwork to announce someone dead right in situ than it does to say they expired in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.

Nurse

Patients will occasionally pretend to be unconscious. A surefire way to find them out is to pick up their hand, hold it above their face, and let go. If they smack themselves, they’re most likely unconscious; if not, they’re faking.

Mechanic

If you have to change a light bulb where the glass is broken, you can press a potato into the metal base to unscrew the remains of the bulb from the fixture.

Lounge Pianist

Never agree to Christmas sing-alongs if there is alcohol involved. Your singer will only remember the first two lines of his favorite tunes, or you’ll waste a half-hour on a drawn-out, stumbling, “12 Days of Christmas.” The singer will be forgiven when he sobers up, but you’ll look unprofessional.

Landscape Architect

You will often have to create a large presentation for clients, and will spend hours coloring in landscape illustrations with markers. But if you say the drawings are “rendered” rather than “colored,” you can charge four times as much.

Cartographer

Mapmakers will often use “copyright traps,” bits of information in their maps that are purposefully wrong. They might label a body of water “Lake Strongbad,” for instance, and then examine the next editions of competitors’ maps to see if the incorrect information makes an appearance.

Auto Mechanic

Always put copper grease on the battery terminals after servicing a car. The performance benefit is negligible, but when customers look under the hood they will immediately see that something’s changed and thus feel happy to pay you.